


'Til I Recall How To Breathe

by kycantina



Series: songfics [12]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Denial of Feelings, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, I still haven't finished naruto but i know what happens, Not A Fix-It, Songfic, Unresolved Tension, Unromantic, alternate canon if you squint, more like a deleted scene, not very feminist of me but i blame kishimoto, some sort of abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-25
Updated: 2019-06-25
Packaged: 2020-05-19 07:40:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19352497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kycantina/pseuds/kycantina
Summary: "So we could fight, or we could wait"More than intimacy.





	'Til I Recall How To Breathe

_ {Don't kiss me goodbye again _

_ Leave this night clean and quiet _

_ You want the last word _

_ You want me to laugh _

_ But leave it for now} _

 

The rain is tapping too hard on her window and the wind is whistling too loudly through her little apartment, but Sakura pays it no mind. It’ll be good for her garden, she figures. The spring’s been hot and lonely, her herbs have been drooping without her supervision, but she can only keep so many things alive at once. Sasuke visited in the afternoon, he’s back for three whole days before he leaves again. She feels stupid for feeling so excited, it’s been months since she’s seen him, and her skin still tingles under where he’d been, arms wrapped around her waist and lips on her forehead. Sakura feels thirteen again, self conscious and blushing, hanging onto Sasuke’s every word. He’s coming over for dinner tomorrow night, maybe even staying over, and maybe she’ll see him again in the morning the day he leaves, if her patients can stop dying, for only a few minutes. It’s enough for Sakura, who’s been pouring over both of their mothers’ (she’d managed to rescue Mikoto’s notebooks) recipes, hoping to find something new, maybe something to convince him she’d be a good companion. Maybe if she could find the right one.

 

_ {All you can say _

_ All you can feel _

_ Was wrapped up inside that one perfect kiss _

_ Leave it at that: _

_ I'll watch you turn the corner and go} _

 

It rains hard the next night too, but Sakura doesn’t notice, even when she can practically feel the drops shattering on her roof. Sasuke’s here, she feels right for the first time in months. He hadn’t spoken much all evening, but that wasn’t out of the ordinary, Sasuke never talked about wherever he went (probably still looking for revenge now that she thought of it), but Sakura’s alright with that. Neither of them had ever been over-sharers, and it wasn’t going to change now. Part of Sakura wonders if the only reason  why he sticks around is because she’s finally learned his boundaries. She doesn’t ask where he goes, what he does, or when he’ll come back. Sakura’s cracked it after all these years of loving him, what he wanted was for her to erase herself. Dinner is nearly silent, save for the weather outside.

 

_ {And goodbye until tomorrow _

_ Goodbye until the next time you call _

_ And I'll be waiting} _

 

It’s still raining when he’s fumbling with the buttons down her dress, lips pushed hard against hers. Sakura feels immobilized: breathless and numb. Her hands are sprawled just under his collar, fingers tangled in fabric. He stops for just a minute, and the world stops with him. Sakura’s own breathing slows, her hands slipping to his waist, she was burning.  Sasuke reaches up, and her heart clenches for a moment, his hand cupping her cheek. It wasn’t out of the ordinary for him to leave like this, a moment of static, a forehead poke, a kiss, an apology, and he’d be gone; Sakura had expected to wake up cold and alone, not this. Sasuke doesn’t go though, his fingers slide through her hair and untie her headband, spilling pink over her shoulders and onto her cheeks. He bites his lip in such a sweet way it makes Sakura melt, assessing her.

 

“You should let your hair down more often.” Sasuke pushes a piece out of her face and behind her ear. He trails cheap kisses down her jaw, like they mean anything to him. 

 

Sakura doesn’t say anything, lets the headband slide off the bed, the metal front of it clanging on her bedroom floor. She doesn’t know what to say, stuck in between asking him to stay (even though he’ll leave) and asserting that he has no right, that if he cared about what she did with her hair so much he shouldn’t have left in the first place (even though she knows there are things more important than how Sasuke feels about her appearance, quest for revenge or no). Instead, she keeps quiet, tugging at his clothes and pressing kisses to his skin. He knows already, about how hard she’s worked to establish herself as a kunoichi, and here he is, erasing it all with a press of his lips and a brush of his fingers.

 

_ {Goodbye until tomorrow _

_ Goodbye till I recall how to breathe _

_ And I have been waiting _

_ I have been waiting for you} _

 

The rain slows as their time together wanes, but Sasuke stays put, through it all. He’s playing at romance, trying to undo the years of cold glances and attempted murder. Sakura lets him, lets him lie about how much he's missed her, about how he'll settle eventually (maybe even for her), about how he could make her happy. Sasuke worships her in the bedroom likes he's always meant to, as if that gets him out apologizing. Sakura likes the attention, they both like to pretend he feels anything for her other than vague desire that doesn't translate to anything resembling love outside of her apartment bedroom. There's less of a fight this way, if she doesn't have to expect him to show up and pretend to be angry when he doesn't, what do they have to fight over? 

Sakura doesn't mind the other girls as much anymore (even Karin, surprisingly, even if she'll still be around years after Sasuke's gotten tired of her), they won't know him like she does: while whatever cute girl in a bar can have forty-eight uninterrupted hours and his first name, Sakura has everything, she has his full name, his history, Sakura knows his chakra better than her own, she knows how he thinks, what every tilt of his chin and curve of his mouth means, she has it all, a lifetime of chasing after him, years of memories replayed. Sakura could write a biography on him and still have more, little memorized details to spare. She holds onto them, the shreds and scraps of him cover her when he’s gone, her own little shield from heartbreak. The other girls don’t have this, they don’t need it.

 

_ {I stand on a precipice _

_ I struggle to keep my balance _

_ I open myself _

_ I open myself one stitch at a time} _

 

The rain slows to a drizzle, not enough to make anything but white noise. Sakura has this too, now that she thinks of it. She has his early mornings, his face pressed to the curve of her neck, lips balanced on her collarbone. They’ve had more nights that resulted like this than Sakura can count, but most of them included Naruto curled up on her other side and Kakashi only a few feet away (and while she loves her boys, Naruto being her closest friend next to Ino, and Kakashi being the first teacher to ever think of her as something more than a future housewife, it’s different with just Sasuke). The difference is polarizing, the idea of being alone with him sends shivers down her spine. Sakura doesn't dare move, especially when he's this peaceful. It took years to get him to sleep peacefully, she'd seen him in the hospital enough times, bags under his eyes and shattered glass in his hands. It's easier for both of them if she lets him be, Sakura doesn't think he sleeps when he's away and without her, but that's just selfishness talking. He's warm, innocent in the ice blue early morning, the planes of his face are soft and unburdened. It would be better for Sakura to leave it this way.

 

_ {Finally yes _

_ Finally now _

_ Finally something takes me away} _

 

It's a downpour when he goes again, hands in his pockets as Sasuke stalks off. He's gone, so far gone, and Sakura watches him leave from the hospital lobby, where she'd asked him when he'd see her again. Sasuke had shrugged her off: maybe not at all, maybe in another life, but he's gone for the time being. She doesn't worry anymore: not about where he is or who he’s with. Sakura pretends that when he’s not around, or in her bedroom, he vanishes, like Sasuke’s not there when he’s not with her. It makes the reality a lot easier to swallow, makes it easier for her to forget about the poorly healed wounds down his back and the way the room goes silent whenever she asks about him. Sakura won’t let Sasuke bleed into every aspect of her, like she did when he left the first time; he’s quarantined to just her bedroom and the road out of Konoha, childhood be damned. 

 

_ {Finally free _

_ Finally he can cut through these strings _

_ And open my wings} _

 

The storm only worsens when her shift ends, and Sakura nearly bites the bullet and sleeps in an on-call room, rather than ruin her shoes. She always has to remind herself that the first night without him is the worst, the first day of nuclear winter, the sudden thinness of air at the mountain’s peak. Sakura has nowhere to go but down, nowhere but to circle the drain and spiral, down down down. Gone as he may be, it takes Sakura weeks to feel the same, to get down from her high and into withdrawl. She’ll live, whether she likes it or not. It's a little comfort to know that she won't see him anytime soon as the bitingly cold rain drips onto her toes, ruining her hair and washing Sasuke clean off her.

 

_ {So goodbye until tomorrow _

_ Goodbye until my feet touch the floor _

_ And I will be waiting _

_ I will be waiting} _

 

The tears and rolling sobs come in with the rain and the thunder. He's gone, so far without her, and for the first time in years, Sakura feels like the clingy school girl everyone had hated her being. She hates it all, even with love off the table, she hates him for leaving her like this and she hates herself for letting him, for getting too attached. Sakura will let him fade eventually, the way every trace of him slowly but surely dissipates. Her sheets smell like saltwater and rain instead of Sasuke, instead of lazily rising smoke and budding roses. Missing him had been unintentional, a mistake she had hoped to avoid. Her sheets are still wrinkled, bed half made on his size. If she slips into bed, arm extended to rest where his heart would've been. Sakura will snap out of it too.

 

_ {Goodbye until tomorrow _

_ Goodbye until the rest of my life _

_ And I have been waiting _

_ I have been waiting for you _

_ Waiting for you _

_ Waiting for you} _

 

The storm reaches its crest; lightning strikes over Konoha and Sakura can't help but whimper. Part of her still childishly wants Sasuke in his entirety: she wants a ring, a big wedding, two kids and a house with a big yard. Part of Sakura longs to be a housewife, just for the stability. She can't ignore the fact that she's always felt like herself the most when he's in the village at least, or maybe Sakura just pretends and bides her time, he’ll eventually be ready, he’ll settle down, settle for her instead of the alternatives. Ino and Hinata would be her bridesmaids, Naruto would be Sasuke’s best man. She has every detail picked out, has since she turned seventeen and wished for it when she blew out the candles. She's been in love with him for so long, she deserves her happy ending.

 

_ {I called Elise to help me pack my bags _

_ I went downtown and closed the bank account _

_ It's not about another shrink _

_ It's not about another compromise} _

 

Sasuke hates the heat, more than anything honesty. More than intimacy, more than Sakura’s quietly assessing stare. He wishes it was still raining like it was when he was in Konoha, when he was with her. Sasuke doesn’t miss Sakura, despite how much he thinks he can convince himself he does. He misses the pieces she leaves behind, his Sakura puts him together in the mornings and tears him apart at night, at least when he’s home with her. Home for now at least, Sasuke doesn’t technically own the Uchiha complex, it’s been Konoha’s for years now, and he’s not looking to start anything, not with Kakashi at least. Home for him is Sakura’s bedroom or Naruto’s couch on nights when he’s not that lucky. She never has to let him in, but Sakura’s never taken the easy way out, she’s never given up on him, no matter how much he tries to force her to.

 

_ {I'm not the only one who's hurting here _

_ I don't know what the hell is left to do _

_ You never saw how far the crack had opened _

_ You never knew I had run out of rope} _

 

The heat slows, mellows in the late afternoon as Sasuke begins to evaluate his options for the night. Part of him is still in Konoha, the soft and sympathetic side, and Sasuke can't help but second guess himself. He'd rather die than admit he's lost and turn back, even if Sakura would be would be happy to see him. Normally Ino is his solution here, soft spoken Ino who doesn't ask questions, hasn't for years. She'll keep any secrets he gives her, even from Sakura. He doesn't have her anymore, she’s too busy fawning over Sai and everything Sasuke isn’t. It’s a shame, Sasuke knows he and Ino could’ve been a better pair, at least she knows when to stop, she’d leave him be and be happy over it, she’d happily watch him burn, let him destroy himself.

 

_ {And I could never rescue you _

_ All you ever wanted _

_ But I could never rescue you _

_ No matter how I tried} _

 

Sasuke watches as the sun recedes and the temperature drops with it, still humid enough to make him sweat. He doesn’t think he’s far from Karin’s, but he’s not sure he wants to be. It’s never felt like cheating before, why should it now? Sasuke’s sure Sakura cares about how many girls feel as lost as she does, how many he leaves in suspended animation. She probably cries about it, he thinks bitterly. Into her her pillow that doesn’t even smell like him anymore. It must hurt, it was to. Sakura cares, enough to take comfort in the fact that he feels enough to leave out the other girls in their silent conversations, no part betrays her when their eyes lock, he gives nothing away. The other girls get hidden away, like poorly kept secrets. He pretends there’s nothing between them but something less than desire and years of regretful pining. 

 

_ {All I could do was love you hard _

_ And let you go} _

 

Sasuke settles for the base of a tree and his bedroll, but it’s too hot to sleep much. He’s tired to his bones, the type of exhaustion that people don’t recover from. It’s not like Sasuke can sleep without her anyways, he wants her too much and it’s too damn hot outside and Sakura knows enough medicine to stop his nightmares for a while with the brush of her fingers. She knows enough of him, too. Konoha smells like home, as much as he tries to leave. All roads would lead him there, no matter how much he denies it. Sakura doesn’t love him and he’d leave every day to forget that, leave Konoha to rot if he didn’t have a disappointed and maybe heartbroken girl at home. Sasuke’s watched enough villages burn, he can’t lose this one to shattered veneers and lack of communication, staying quiet lets him keep Konoha, and his childhood by proxy, keeping Sakura around gives him an excuse to come home, to breathe every once in a while.

 

_ {No matter how I tried _

_ All I could do was love you _

_ God, I loved you so} _

 

Sasuke rises with the early morning sun, dewdrops sticking to his sandals and resting on his eyelashes. The early spring heat hasn’t risen yet, the atmosphere hasn’t started to choke him yet. His heart grows heavier and heavier with every step away from Konoha, every minute he imagines Sakura walking home by herself, while he goes in the opposite direction. It’s not like there’s anything he can do, or wants to, it’s not like she wants him there anyways. She loves it on her own, or at least that’s what Naruto and Ino told him when he asked, but maybe they were just trying to keep him away, to keep him from doing any more damage. He’d never imagined settling down as a kid, but really, none of them had. Sure, Sakura had wanted a life with him, but that could’ve meant anything, it wasn’t like anybody wanted to start a family in the middle of a war, and she was patient. Sakura had wanted to follow him the first couple times, but now it seemed like she’d rather stay home.

 

_ {So we could fight _

_ Or we could wait _

_ Or I could go} _

 

Sasuke wipes the sweat from his brow as the sun and heat rise, and reassures himself that it's for the best that he's here. Sakura's never wanted to hold him back and now is no exception, even when he needs her to. He needs to rest, he's not a spiteful teenager anymore, the stability would be good for him. Of course, his friends are of no use, war makes people marry young and have children even faster. Sasuke's seen the way Naruto looks at Hinata (not at all like how Sasuke looks at Sakura, if he's being honest), and his best friend offers little advice other than “just tell her how you feel already”. God, he misses them all, but Konoha needed its hokages and healers more than Sasuke cares to admit to himself, but enough to rationalize cutting the mission short and crawling back to Sakura and Konoha.

 

_ {Goodbye until tomorrow _

_ Goodbye until I crawl to your door _

_ And I will be waiting _

_ I will be waiting} _

 

Sakura glances up from her stack of charts when the rain starts for the first time in weeks, all the more surprised to see Sasuke coming in with it. Moments later he's inside, smirking as he knocks on her already open door. “You’re early.” Sakura murmurs, looking up from her binders and glancing at her watch (a graduation gift from Tsunade). “By about four months.”

 

“You’re sure?” A ghost of a smile flickers on Sasuke’s face before it’s replaced with his usual flat expression. “I missed you.” 

 

“You’re lonely.” Sakura doesn’t look up, copying down her patient’s medications. “They’re different things.” And she’s right, Sakura knows she is. Sasuke doesn’t need her right now, and he hasn’t ever, she’s spent an easy fourteen years trying to forget this fact. She isn’t Sasuke’s heartbeat, he doesn’t need her to breath like he does the missions. Sasuke runs on solitude, lives for nobody but himself and whoever he’s hunting down this time, Sakura gets dizzy just thinking about it.

 

_ {You never noticed how the wind had changed} _

 

It’s hot in Sakura’s bedroom, she always locks her windows whenever he’s in town, trying to avoid a repeat accident, Sasuke thinks with some humor. Nothing happens that night, they eat takeout on her apartment floor and talk, honestly, like there hasn’t ever been anything between them, like they hadn’t grown up knowing they’d “end up” together in some way. Sasuke used to think he wouldn’t forget the years of painful obsession and hurt, the need for revenge that pulled them apart in the first place. It fades in some places, tugging at his bones and unraveling his tensed muscles like a ball of yarn. They’ve started again, clean hearts and all that other bullshit he’d never thought he’d believe in, maybe this is it. It could be, but Sasuke’s not ready for his endgame.

 

_ {Goodbye until tomorrow} _

 

The rain is still dripping off her eaves when she finally meets his eyes, green meeting black with the universe and more between them. It hurts, much more than it should, but Sakura keeps her gaze level and chin tilted up the way Tsunade taught her to, like she could snap his neck in a heartbeat with a brush of her fingers and knows it too. She doesn’t, she won’t. For all the times he’s held a knife to her back and a hand to her throat, Sakura can’t bring herself to do anything about it but remember, he can apologize until he chokes on it, he can't make her forgive. He could make her forget, wave his fingers and stuff her head with cotton. He can shut her up too, with more than glares. He can tie her to chairs and gouge out her eyes, she wouldn’t care. He won’t, Sasuke’s a coward, they all seem to know that but him. Naruto does, Kakashi does. Just like Itachi, despite what she wishes she forget. They’re waiting, holding their breath and waiting.

 

_ {I didn't see a way we both could win} _

 

Sasuke lets the heat settle, energy settling in his palms and guilt in his stomach. He sucks in a breath, and she flinches; Sasuke just raises an eyebrow. A teasing question, he almost whispers, but swallows them back, and by then, she’s shifted, shoulders back, biting her lip the way she did whenever she watched him fight. He watches Sakura eyes float down him, detail by detail, emerald irises resting on his scrapes and bruises, anything but his eyes. She’s gone, frozen solid with fingertips shaking in her lap. 

 

Sasuke broaches the subject as tactfully as he knows how to. His tone is cold, dragging in his syllables out in the same way Kakashi does. 

 

"Since when are you afraid of me, rosebud?"

 

_ {Goodbye until I'm done thanking God _

_ For I have been waiting _

_ I have been waiting for you} _

 

She bites, the rain intensifying as she tilts her chin, eyes scraping up from his collarbone, to his chin, meeting his gaze with the same echo of coldness. Sakura draws her bare legs in, fingers absent mindedly rubbing circles in her washed-soft scrubs. Her lab coat sits abandoned on the back of one of her kitchen chairs, along with Sasuke's cape. She's always been strangely fond of it, the way it makes him look like one of the beaus out of Kakashi's eroticas; a dark horse straight from Sakura's fantasies. She'd always hoped she'd be the one to turn him good, to tame his storm. It's all too melancholic, seeing him without it. Sakura bats her eyelashes at him in a bitter imitation of romance. He doesn't have to ask, but he wants to make her answer, speak when her every instinct is telling her to shut it. To kick him out and spend the rest her night with a bottle of sake, the way Tsunade would. She doesn't do either, really, and decides to play at humor instead, a hint of a smile, her lip curled just a little.

 

"Since when did you call me rosebud?"

 

_ {Goodbye Cathy _

_ I have been waiting for you _

_ Goodbye} _

 

The heat rushes in suddenly, a jolt to the system if Sasuke's being honest. He's not as in tune when he's with Sakura, he can practically feel himself dizzying, just sitting across from her. Sasuke doesn’t know what to do, he feels trapped in her little apartment, just enough for a healer who spends more time in the hospital than she does at home, not more. It’s tight, the air thrums with static, throbbing energy. He stretches, methodically cracking each knuckle. 

 

“I should go.” He mumbles, pushing some of dark hair out of his face. Sasuke brings it on himself to glance back at her, his cold onyx eyes meeting her sad jade ones. Sakura looks like she could cry, and Sasuke tries to ignore the guilt stumbling into his stomach like falling rocks. This time, before he goes, Sasuke leaves a kiss on her forehead, instead of a poke.

 

_ {I will keep waiting _

_ I will be waiting for you} _

 

Sakura's grown used to both the rain and the disappointment, but not to Sasuke’s lips on her forehead. She grabs at his wrist, indignantly, on a whim. It startles Sasuke, and the action sparks something in her, like it took all she had not to grin. Revenge, or what felt like it. It felt nice to be the one making him jump, for once. She presses a quick kiss to his jaw, fingers still intertwined with his. It’s a silent ‘not so fast’, she’s pulling him back, if only for now. He lets her. 

 

“Wait up.” She whispers, smirking. “I’m coming with, just this time.”

 

_ {Just close the gate _

_ I'll stand and wait _

_ Jamie _

_ Goodbye} _

 

The rain and heat slow, shuddering to a stop by the time summer starts. It’s June by the time she gets used to this, the way Sasuke likes to trek ahead but will always turn back, glance to smile at her, just a little. The way he sets up his bedroll five feet from hers, like that would stop anything. Like it would stop his hands on her waist and his head from ending up on her chest. Sasuke’s trying his best to smile, to treat her gently, like he should’ve been for all the years leading up to where they are now. It takes everything from Sakura to let her arguments die on her tongue, to forgive when her bones tell her to fight, fight. Tsunade would expect better, a more feminist turn on her story, but then what would Sakura do? She’s unprepared when she skips a month, she’s unprepared when she gags on every meal, on her hands and knees every morning. Sakura is unprepared when she can’t always match Sasuke’s pace and when she relies on him to rub her back and sing her to sleep. She’s unprepared for this, most of all when her suspicions are confirmed. Sakura can feel it in her chakra, and she’s sure Sasuke can too.

 

“Hey.” Her voice is morning-soft, eyes still half closed.

 

Sasuke mumbles something against the back of her neck, and she turns to look at him.

 

Sakura says it in the same way she would’ve told him she was leaving, if that was even an option at this point. “Sas, I’m pregnant.”


End file.
